Open Question: Which is Worse between Me and Him?

[feedcrawler]

I will make this as short as possible, please bear with me. The Facts #1:My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year. We live 7 hours apart, but see each other at least once a month in person. Part 1:All year he has told me I am the only person for him and he looks at no one else and that he has no desire for porn and that my body is 100% perfect. He lied. I caught him with porn last month and I had to drag it out of him for him to admit to it. It wasnt just any porn, it was specifically porn of girls opposite from me (flat chested goth girls).. and most of it was fetish porn. I got so upset that I chewed him out and almost broke up with him.. I screamed, I yelled, I lost all trust. But, we stayed together and to this day now I have terrible self-esteem and compare myself to every woman who fits the description of his fantasy girl. He didn't consider it cheating, but I did, because he was choosing those girls over me for sexual pleasure (he could have called me or got on video chat, etc). He apologized, but also became very defensive for a long time about it. Part Two:The other night, because I have absolutely no money and I'm going bankrupt (yes, I have a job, but it's minimum wage and part-time), I did something very very bad. I found an ad on craigslist of a guy who also has fetishes, but different from my boyfriend. This guy has a foot and ass fetish. He offered me $120 to come to his place and let him smell and lick my feet and have me sit on his face (yeah, I know, I know.. it's gross and weird, but I needed the money and it seemed easy enough). I decided to go for it, because I was basically thinking of the money. I got there and he smelled and licked my feet.. he had me sit on his face with my ass (pants down), and then next thing I knew he was licking it. Anyway, after all was said and done, I called my boyfriend right away and confessed it all.. I felt terrible and I've never lied to him before. He's been very nice about it so far and hasn't gotten mean with me like I did with him, although I feel that it might be coming soon enough.Part 3:My boyfriend is now comparing what I did to what he did and says that what I did was way worse. I agree it was bad, but I feel it is not as bad as what he did and I have my reasons (listed below), but mostly because I will forever and always feel like I'm not enough and that I'm not his desired girl. I already made an appointment to get tested for stds. I love my boyfriend so much and I didn't even think of it as cheating until he said so today, and I truly am sorry. I've seen the error of my way and promised to never do it again, because I'm honestly scared of losing him and for my health. I love him.The Facts #2:He-lied all year to my face-had to get caught and drag the truth out of him-admitted to masturbating 3 times a day to the porn-would ignore my needs because he didn't need me anymore-preferred and chose the porn over me-made me feel inferior in every way to the girls he likes-makes me feel undesirable-makes me hate my body and have low self-esteem-doesn't see anything wrong with porn-did it for the pleasureMe-told him the truth immediately-didn't have to get caught to admit I was wrong-agreed to get tested asap-didn't have sex with the guy, see him naked, touch him in any way, etc-didn't get any pleasure out of what I did-did it for the money-didn't do it out of spite or to get back at himThe Question Is:Which is Worse? Him? Me? We're both the Same?

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