Open Question: Abusive and controlling...im not allowed to do anything. long but please read. :(?

[feedcrawler]

* i know i've written this a few times, so sorry* i was with my ex for around 5 months, i'd say it was nice for around one month.. but even then he'd get really jealous. i thought nothing of it because i thought once he knew how much i loved him like, maybe it wouldn't be as bad...but his jealousy was very intense. i did fall in love with him quickly i'll admit that. things were nice but i lied to him, i lied about my past. i have done stupid stuff on webcam, flash my bra, send pictures..phone sex. ;/ yes i know it was stupid, i was yovng and i regret it. i lied about it then i admitted everything immediately after, i felt so bad. he said he didn't feel as special and what i did on webcam was actually worse than having sex with someone. but considering im still a virgin. what is the problem? it was a mistake and i've admitted to that. i was honest, not at first but i was afterwards. he still brought it up in my face and made me feel so worthless and disgusting over it.. so disgusting and low that i started self harming. i depended on him. he said the only way he could ever trust me was if i sent him videos of myself...so me being stupid, believing everything he said. i sent them. all in all i probably sent him around ten. i know it was stupid, but i had no one. he made me cut all of my friends off, delete my facebook, delete my twitter, tumblr. he said he preferred me when i wasn't wearing make up.. he used to get angry when i wore it and wouldn't speak to me. i joined a gym recently and he refuses to talk to me on the days i go to the gym. he made me delete every 'sexual' song off of my phone and my youtube account. he asks me if boys speak to me, everyday he will text me saying. tell me if something happens. he brings his ex up and talks about her. because he messages her on xbox he asked me if he should tell her about his foot fetish to see what she says...he demands my passwords. he said he would never talk to me again if i signed onto my twitter. he demands to see all of my messages, and all of my skype messages from the guys i acted like a complete skank with. he's my first real boyfriend... is this normal? is he acting like this because i lied to him? i will admit i do lie to him to save an argument, i lie to defend myself.. he is so abusive towards me, he makes me feel so worthless. i stick around because when i leave and ignore him he will say im sorry im sorry i love you come back i can change, i go back to see if he has changed. because that's all i want to do.. i want him to be nice.. like he was. maybe i'm living in a dream world. even now he's kept me awake on a school night demanding to know what 'sexual' films i've watched recently and what exactly happened.. he's saying films to me and demanding to know if i've seen them. he called me up at midnight the other day knowing full well i had school the next day, he saw i'd been joined into a group called numbers by a friend and asked who's numbers i had got. he demands to see the numbers in my phone book and my recent texts...i ask him if he loves me and he just says 'anywayyyyyy' and changes the subject. he says he wont answer my questions until i tell him every film i've seen...he kept me up until four in the morning demanding to know every film i've recently watched and if i got 'horny' over it -.- he tells me to text him if anything happens during the day that he won't like, like a boy talking to me or something. he is currently ignoring me because i'm going to the gym today...i don't know what to do and i need some serious advice:/ what would you do if you were me? would you tell a future partner about the videos, webcam, phone and pictures? would you even bother with him if you were me? scarily i do love him... i just want to prove myself to him. now i know if i leave he will just run back to his ex on xbox.... i sent this boy videos ;/ he even admitted speaking to his ex this morning, he said to me that him and her were friends.. i feel so used, ugly and worthless. help me

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