Open Question: I'm secretly bisexual or gay or something and just thinking about it makes me feel suicidal/depressed?

[feedcrawler]

I am 21, a virgin, Psychology major at a community college, and HAVE had 2 deep relationships with girls. I am NOT romantically attracted to guys, however, it seems to me that I mostly masturbate to homoerotic perversions. Is homosexuality maybe just another sexual fetish such as spanking, bondage, food, feet, etc...? The reason I ask this is b/c I could never see myself "falling" for a guy. To me, its just a sexual attraction. Whereas, I HAVE actually been in love with a woman. And I CAN be sexually attracted to women, but it seems that I have to focus "harder," but when I think in terms of the woman seducing me, it becomes more easy for me. Sometimes I have to think about gay stuff to obtain an erection and then I'll switch the fantasy to a straight situation with a woman??? WTF is wrong with me?! I'm manically depressed and/or have Bi Polar Disorder or something, and because of the way I was raised, I do not think that I will EVER be able to fully accept myself if this is the truth. I have only told 2 people in my entire life this information (about the sexual stuff...), my older sister and one of my ex-girlfriends, both of which I would trust with my life never to tell anyone! By the way...Both of my ex girlfriends eventually lost interest in me, and immediately started seeing much more masculine/womanizing type of guys which is like the complete opposite of me, and it just makes me sick to think of what this could mean. Do you think this could have any significance? I have a few friends and friend groups, but when I "hang out" with them, I mostly just space out and pretend like I care what they're talking about or doing, but I really never do. I respond to what they say by nodding, fake laughing, or saying yeah and uhuh... I feel like everyone I have ever met in my life is so completely dull and lack any sense of humor or Imagination. I feel like reality does not exist, or that "I" do not exist. It seems like my interests and hobbies are just SO out there that no one else can relate to me and I can't relate to anyone else. So basically, I might as well have no friends and no social life whatsoever. I'm a musician...singer/songwriter to be more specific (acoustic guitar), so at least I have SOMETHING to keep me going in this life. Unfortunately though, I turn to alc0hol, cigarettes, and marijuana to help me cope with this pathetic existence of being lonely, confused, and utterly utterly ashamed for my soul. Can anyone give me some HELPFUL life advice about what I am feeling/going through right now in my life?

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